Well, in the year that he has come home we have had great times and tough times. I am finally to the point where I am ready to "talk" about some of those hard times. If you don't know, Josh and I have the strong desire for our family to grow!! We always imagined our family with several children and still pray for that opportunity daily! We have been "trying" to make our family bigger since before he left for his deployment, while he was home on R&R in March 2010 and since he has been home! In February we were excited to finally have a positive pregnancy test after months of trying! We didn't get to be excited for long, because for reasons we may never fully understand, I had a miscarriage. Luckily, I was very early into my pregnancy so there wasn't a need for any medical intervention..just a check-up to make sure things were ok afterward. I went on just thinking it was one of those things you can't control and we would just try again. We had another positive pregnancy test mid-May. We were again so very happy to be welcoming a baby into the world. We had a due date of February 2nd and were going along with the planning in our head. We thought it would be the perfect time for a baby to come into our family since we will more than likely be moving in May 2012. A couple of weeks later I started feeling like something was wrong...I just had this bad feeling. I called the doctors at Ft. Campbell for an entire week before they would let me be seen and I only got an appointment after Josh called and basically demanded that I be seen. They kept telling me that the things I was experiencing were completely normal and to not worry about it. In my heart, I knew differently. I went in on Friday and after waiting for three hours we were finally seen. The doctor did an ultrasound and said everything looked normal but he was using an older machine so he wanted me to come back in on Monday and go to radiology for a more involved ultrasound. Needless to say, I couldn't stop thinking about it all weekend.
On Monday I went it by myself because they told me Josh couldn't go with me...stupid rule!! The radiologists said he thought he saw a flutter of the heartbeat but to come back in the next week for another ultrasound...so once again, another week of waiting. In the meantime I was getting blood work done, which was rising, but not as much as it should. I finally got my Primary Care Doctor to have me be seen at the local hospital. I was scheduled for a Saturday morning detailed ultrasound. They could not give me the results then, I had to wait for my doctor to give them to me. MORE WAITING...but in my heart I knew!!! The next week I was seen at an off-post OBGYN who confirmed with another ultrasound that the baby no longer had a heartbeat - which for anyone who has ever experienced this you know that no heartbeat means MAJOR heart BREAK for a mother!!
For whatever reason, my body was not taking care of the baby, so I had to have some medical intervention done and on July 10th our third baby was officially no longer with us. The thoughts went through my head as to what I had done...what was wrong with me and why couldn't I keep a pregnancy going!! I actually handled it really well then. I think it didn't fully hit me what had happened and that we had lost another child. I went on with life not really dealing with ....perhaps maybe just covering it up with my daily routine and pushing it into the back of my mind. I even felt strong...I didn't feel too bad for myself....but then it hit me. Just recently to be honest. I am not going to lie - having a miscarriage is hard! I may never know why it happened twice...but I do know this ... The LORD has a plan...the LORD is our protector, our healer and our strength!! Josh and I have grown so much since all of this...and if anything, I am definitely way more sympathetic for those who have a miscarriage...no matter how far along they are when it happens. I know that the 2 babies we have lost this year are with the Lord and that I will see them one day...I will get to hold them and I will know if they were a boy or a girl. I will always wonder why...I will always want to have them in our family, but they will always be in our hearts!!! I have hope and faith that our family will grow and that Josiah will be a big brother one day and that we will love however many children the Lord blesses us with...because Children are a BLESSING FROM THE LORD!!!
I have friends who have had much harder times and I am not saying any of this for sympathy. I am just sharing it.....getting it off of my chest because there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about those 2 precious babies - Josiah's brothers or sisters!!! I feel as though this will help with the process of "grieving" our loss. I will say that if you are reading this and have had a miscarriage, I am SORRY...it is a pain that is too hard to express sometimes, but know that there are others out there who have experienced it too (that has been encouraging to me)!!!! Thanks for reading...and hopefully sometime soon we will be able to announce there is another Sandler baby on it's way (I think it is time, but it needs to be God's time!)!!!
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