First of all, for those that read and care, I am sorry for such a big gap between blogs. I always think of something to blog about but then don't get around to it for a few days and by that time I forget most of it and move on to whatever else I was doing instead of blogging. Hopefully I am not the only one this happens to.
I love reading Karen Kinsgbury books. If you aren't familiar with her, she is a Christian Non-Fiction author and she is definitely one of my top two favorite authors. I love how she can write a non-fiction book and still include Biblical truths and realistic circumstances that go along with those truths. I love that I don't feel like I am reading trash and I am getting something spiritual out of what I am reading! I am in the process of reading the last book in her "Bailey Flannigan Series," and something that I read last night really has stuck with me. A quick synopsis of what was happening in the book: One of the main characters had recently become a Believer and during his growth in the Lord he asked God to test him so that he could become a stronger Christian, relying completely on God and not himself. As he was sharing this bit of information with another character in the book, he told her this "A teacher is almost always silent during a test." Then the book goes on to read "That was definitely true for what God was teaching him now. How he had to have complete dependence on the Lord in order to pursue what he was after." Wow - this hit me and as I continued to read and then later ponder over that statement I was just taken back. I even was talking to Josh at midnight in bed (after he had worked all day on school work...poor guy had to listen to me chatting away) about what I read. He also thought that it was very true. Sometimes when the Lord is testing us to grow us, He is silent....allowing us to grow and rely solely on Him and put our complete trust in him. Not sure if what I read hit me even more because I was a teacher (and still am to a point for Josiah) and how when I would give tests to my students I would remain silent (yet always stay in the room/present)...allowing them the opportunity to focus and concentrate! I would also remain silent when they would come to me asking me to pretty much give them the answer (gotta love students). I wanted them to learn, wanted them to trust in what they already knew and I didn't want to interfere with their learning process. I feel like this is so true when it comes to the Lord being our "teacher." Sometimes He remains silent, especially during a test, so that we can completely have faith in Him, so that we try harder to hear Him instead of just having every answer right away, and so that we can trust!
I am so grateful for the tests that the Lord gives us. I wouldn't being growing and learning without them...and I want to be able to teach others, particularly Josiah and any other children we may have, what the Lord has taught me through tests and challenges. Many of you know (especially if you read my blog) about the challenges we have had with having more children. I definitely feel like these challenges have been a test for me and our relationship. In the past year and a half or so we have conceived 4 times and miscarried each one...with our most recent miscarriage being 2 weeks ago. Ask any woman that has had a miscarriage and they will tell you that it is hard and something that no one can truly understand unless they have experienced one themselves. As much as we (Josh and I) would love holding each one of those babies right now in our arms, I have to say that we also appreciate the Lord for all He has taught us through it. Of course it is sad and sometimes frustrating because of the not knowing why, but I am happy to say that I have never gotten mad at God for it and never thought that I don't deserve this or anything. There are a handful of people who knew about our most recent miscarriage...and two of those people told me not to give up. I have never once felt like giving up, I have never questioned whether or not the Lord loved me...I know that He does and I know HIS will is perfect for our lives...even the hard times. I can honestly say that the infertility issues we have had over the last year and a half or two have definitely deepened my faith in the Lord and have almost made me have to trust Him more...especially since the doctors can't give us any answers as to why either. I feel like as a Christian I have needed something to strengthen my faith in Him....to be able to let go of things I have zero control over and let Him be the Ruler and Maker that He is meant to be in every one's life and to strengthen my prayer life. This has also brought Josh and I even closer than we were before. We have been through this entire miscarriage and desire to grow our family journey together...every step of the way and we will continue to go through it together. It is so neat to me to see how we have each had our weak moments at different times and I know the Lord allowed it to happen that way so that the other one could be strong, encouraging and supportive for the one who is feeling low. I know and fully trust that God will grow our family (maybe even more than we want all at once..ha ha)! I have faith that He will and can...even if that means it isn't biologically ours! We are praying and seeking what He would have us do. So that leads me to the quick story of what my next step is medically....(And I have even struggled with wondering how far medically we should take this)
My doctor here has done just about everything he can do at this point and so in the next two weeks I am going in for an exploratory surgery to see if there is more to what is going on than what blood work, ultrasounds and tests have/have not shown. I will have a laparoscopy, hysteroctomy and ovarian acupuncture done. We are praying and really hoping that this will be scheduled around Josh's class schedule and if not, we will make it work. The doctor wants to do it ASAP, but doesn't do surgeries on Friday's, which is the only day Josh doesn't have class (most Friday's). It is kind of funny to me that the only surgery prior to turning 32 that I ever had was getting my wisdom teeth removed at the age of 18 and since turning 32 in May I will have had 2 surgeries! I guess I am falling apart, despite feeling better and being in better shape than I was when I was 22! We are praying for some answers, but even if the surgery doesn't show anything (fibroids, endometriosis, ovarian cysts, etc), we will have answers. We will have always wondered if there was something more, and without the surgery we wouldn't know.
Back to the title of my blog entry "A Teacher is Always Silent During a Test..." Thank you, Lord for allowing growth while sometimes staying silent, yet always present!!!
