I have been thinking about this post in my blog all week!!! I am not even sure how to start it or where to begin. I guess I will start with saying how grateful I am to have a mom who has sacrificed so much and encouraged my brother and I to do our best for 37 years! Now that I am a mom I have so much more appreciation for the hard work, dedication, lack of sleep and selflessness it takes to be a mom!!! We are blessed to be able to call you mom, and now for Josiah and baby Sandler to have you as their Grammie!
Ever since I was a little girl, as early as me playing with dolls, I knew I wanted to be a mommy!!! I wanted to have the opportunity to have a little child to take care of and love. Wow...being a mom is so much more than that, but what a blessing it is every single day - even the hard days!!! I am so thankful that the Lord had Josh in His master plan for me to marry. I am so blessed to be parenting along side of him - he is absolutely an amazing husband and father and I am in awe everyday when I see him interact with Josiah!!! I wouldn't want to take this journey with anyone else...and I must add that I think he is pretty cute, too and I am glad Josiah mostly has his looks...lets face it: he looks just like him :) I am going to go ahead and guess that the child coming late June/ early July will also have those Sandler genes...so excited!!
If I was asked at the age of 18 how many children I thought I would have by age 33 I would have definitely thought more than one (with one on the way). I have always loved kids...starting with my dolls, then the children I babysat for years and then the ones I taught as an Elementary teacher. I know that the Lord knows best and His will is perfect and I can honestly say that I am so grateful for His timing!! I have had the best opportunities (being a military wife) to have met SO many amazing moms, who are my closest friends, along the way...ones who I have had the chance to watch and learn from. I hope I can be half the mother they are!! I love how we can call each other up, no matter where we all live, and just ask questions and encourage one another through the best and most important job we will ever have! I am so glad that the Lord's plan was for us to have Josiah when we did and even more so to have the one on one time with him that we have gotten. If it were in my hands we would have had another one by now, closer in age to Josiah, but I now know and realize how grateful I am for this time that we have had together.
On this Mother's Day I am blessed to be a mommy to such an amazing little boy, who loves others, legos, playing outside and his toys! He is full of energy and always keeps me on my toes...which I am grateful for! But, I also realize that Mother's Day can be a difficult day for some. I realize this more than ever before! I NEVER thought that this day could be a sad day for women, but I now know it definitely is!! I am so glad that the Lord has allowed Josh and I to have had the path to parenthood that we have. The joys, the struggles, the why's, everything! I have had a heavy heart all week for friends I know struggling to get pregnant, dealing with miscarriage and the uncertainty of not knowing if they will be able to. This past Friday, May 10th, was a year since I had my third (out of 4) miscarriage (and my fist D and C). I know for a fact the Lord was with me that day more than I have ever felt before. We were very new to this area, just had my first doctors appointment where we found out at 10 weeks the baby didn't have a heartbeat and I would be going into my first surgery. I was blessed with the most amazing nurse who was extremely encouraging and sympathetic...and who even stayed after her shift was over to be with me to make sure I came out of surgery ok. We didn't know anyone here yet, so Josh had to be with Josiah, but I honestly never felt alone!!! What a relief! So, if you are one of my friends who is experiencing these difficulties please know that I think about you often. I pray for you - even if I don't know you are having issues. I pray for women all over who have the desire to be a mother, but it hasn't been the right time yet! May I encourage you to use this time to grow in your faith and trust in the ONE who makes life happen. And, know that if you ever need to talk to someone about it....I am always here!!! It isn't easy and I am sure this day is more difficult than other days for you!! You are loved and prayed for!!! May the Lord, who is the giver of Peace and Hope , give you PEACE and HOPE everyday, but specifically this day!!!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Sharing the News and Why it was a little Difficult for me...(and a quick explanation of my treatment)
Last night we finally announced that we are expecting again and due July 1. I never expected it to be as hard as it was. Let me explain. We kept the news a secret from our family until I was 13 weeks along and we just announced to everyone else at 18 weeks. I honestly feel like I have been pregnant for 40 weeks and should be delivering soon...not because I feel badly or anything, but because I have been monitored so closely and I have had more ultrasounds than a normal full term pregnancy would even have all by 13 weeks. Again, we are beyond grateful for where we are at this point, that everything seems to be going smoothly and that our dream of having another child is on the road to coming true! There are two reasons why it was difficult for me to announce our exciting news and I cried after we posted it while talking to Josh about everything.
The first reason it was hard to finally share the news is because we have experienced four miscarriages in a little over 2 years. Some of those pregnancies we announced and very soon after our announcement we had to share the bad news that the baby didn't make it. While I feel completely at peace about this pregnancy and have full confidence in the Lord and His will, I couldn't help but think about all of the times after people being excited for us, we then had to share the emotional and devastating news that we lost the baby. I don't feel like that will happen this time and our doctor says that everything looks and sounds great, but in the back of my mind I think about the heartbreak of losing our other children. (funny - maybe not so funny and ironic side note: every time we go to the doctor we get put back into the same room we were placed in in May - 2 days after my birthday and a few days before Mother's Day- when we found out I would be having surgery three days later because our baby had no heartbeat. Josh and I just look at each other every time we get put into that room and and say "I hate this room." - I feel like it is just a reminder to me from the Lord...Him asking me "are you going to Trust Me or are you going to give into the doubt of this particular room?")
Secondly, I hesitated to post it because my heart truly aches for those that are in similar situations as we have been! I know there are women/couples out there that are trying, have tried, currently trying, having difficulties and even suffering the heartache of a miscarriage! Any friend who has posted that they are expecting, I have very much been excited for them and their growing family!!! I never wish miscarriage, infertility or complications on anyone!! But I also know after you read an announcement, see pictures, etc there is a piece of your heart that cries. There is a thought in your brain that asks why...a desire for that to be you...maybe even you thinking about their due date and wondering if they are due when you were supposed to be welcoming your bundle of joy into your own family. Don't get me wrong...I absolutely love seeing friends excited about their own pregnancies!! Until you have experienced the loss a miscarriage brings and the piece of your heart that will always be in Heaven with the baby you never got to hold, you won't be able to understand...and I pray that the women and couples who haven't had to deal with that never have to!!! So, if this is you...let me say I am SORRY and I understand!!! Don't give up and trust in the One who makes life happen in the first place!!!! As hard as it was and has been, I have zero regret or anger for anything we have been through. It truly has shaped me into the person I am today and I will always pray that it continues to mold me and have a heart for those that deal with this kind of loss!!!
All in all, after announcing, and crying while explaining to Josh why it was so hard...I never had to explain - he totally knew and I love him for that! I am blessed to even have him in my life...let alone be married to such an incredible man...I am glad we did it! I am glad that all of our family and friends know now and can rejoice in this incredible answer to so many prayers!!! So, thank you!!!
A quick overview to this point (quick because my eyes hurt from being on the computer and because I don't want to bore you with details)....Since seeing my infertility/endo doctor starting in July 2012, they did a lot more tests (didn't even know there more I could even have done with what we had done already), was put on several different medications for different reasons, had a surgery involving two procedures and probably some other stuff I am forgetting. I did get pregnant along that way, but lost the baby early on. After reevaluating things with my doctor and explaining my concerns that I didn't have trouble getting pregnant, I had trouble staying pregnant I was happy that he was open and willing to do a little more research with my medical history. Overall I am healthy, but in college was diagnosed with alopecia areota, which is an autoimmune disease that makes you body think your hair is a foreign object...in turn making you lose your hair. Some cases are worse than others. Mine was probably a medium case. I did lose a lot of hair including my eyelashes in college, but had a wonderful doctor who was proactive and I was able to recover from that. Some people lose all of the hair on their bodies. I have had a few flare ups here and there, but nothing for about 4 years. My infertility/endo doctor said that autoimmune diseases can be finicky sometimes and can flare up in different ways. What we think, but there is no way of knowing 100%, is that my body thought the babies I have gotten pregnant with have been foreign objects and around 6-9 weeks my body would win the battle and take the life of the baby. So, what my treatment ended up being was an IV treatment called Intralipids. This is what they use for patients who have transplants of many sorts. The patient will get three different, 2 hr long IV treatments to counteract your body from killing off what is not foreign in your body. That is what they used on me. I went in at the time of ovulation for my first, and then if I ended up pregnant (which I did for my first round of this), I went back every 30 days for two more treatments...which got to me almost 12 weeks pregnant. Apparently my body reacted well to this and the Intralipids was what I needed to sustain the pregnancy past 9 weeks (which was the latest I had lost one of the pregnancies before). We will never know if this was truly what worked, but I am grateful that I could talk to my doctor and tell him that I didn't need the "cocktail of medication" to get pregnant...I needed something to keep me pregnant! That is a somewhat quick version of the last months of my time with my specialist. Now I am back with a regular OB who thinks we are on a positive and great road to welcoming Josiah's baby brother or sister this summer :)
The first reason it was hard to finally share the news is because we have experienced four miscarriages in a little over 2 years. Some of those pregnancies we announced and very soon after our announcement we had to share the bad news that the baby didn't make it. While I feel completely at peace about this pregnancy and have full confidence in the Lord and His will, I couldn't help but think about all of the times after people being excited for us, we then had to share the emotional and devastating news that we lost the baby. I don't feel like that will happen this time and our doctor says that everything looks and sounds great, but in the back of my mind I think about the heartbreak of losing our other children. (funny - maybe not so funny and ironic side note: every time we go to the doctor we get put back into the same room we were placed in in May - 2 days after my birthday and a few days before Mother's Day- when we found out I would be having surgery three days later because our baby had no heartbeat. Josh and I just look at each other every time we get put into that room and and say "I hate this room." - I feel like it is just a reminder to me from the Lord...Him asking me "are you going to Trust Me or are you going to give into the doubt of this particular room?")
Secondly, I hesitated to post it because my heart truly aches for those that are in similar situations as we have been! I know there are women/couples out there that are trying, have tried, currently trying, having difficulties and even suffering the heartache of a miscarriage! Any friend who has posted that they are expecting, I have very much been excited for them and their growing family!!! I never wish miscarriage, infertility or complications on anyone!! But I also know after you read an announcement, see pictures, etc there is a piece of your heart that cries. There is a thought in your brain that asks why...a desire for that to be you...maybe even you thinking about their due date and wondering if they are due when you were supposed to be welcoming your bundle of joy into your own family. Don't get me wrong...I absolutely love seeing friends excited about their own pregnancies!! Until you have experienced the loss a miscarriage brings and the piece of your heart that will always be in Heaven with the baby you never got to hold, you won't be able to understand...and I pray that the women and couples who haven't had to deal with that never have to!!! So, if this is you...let me say I am SORRY and I understand!!! Don't give up and trust in the One who makes life happen in the first place!!!! As hard as it was and has been, I have zero regret or anger for anything we have been through. It truly has shaped me into the person I am today and I will always pray that it continues to mold me and have a heart for those that deal with this kind of loss!!!
All in all, after announcing, and crying while explaining to Josh why it was so hard...I never had to explain - he totally knew and I love him for that! I am blessed to even have him in my life...let alone be married to such an incredible man...I am glad we did it! I am glad that all of our family and friends know now and can rejoice in this incredible answer to so many prayers!!! So, thank you!!!
A quick overview to this point (quick because my eyes hurt from being on the computer and because I don't want to bore you with details)....Since seeing my infertility/endo doctor starting in July 2012, they did a lot more tests (didn't even know there more I could even have done with what we had done already), was put on several different medications for different reasons, had a surgery involving two procedures and probably some other stuff I am forgetting. I did get pregnant along that way, but lost the baby early on. After reevaluating things with my doctor and explaining my concerns that I didn't have trouble getting pregnant, I had trouble staying pregnant I was happy that he was open and willing to do a little more research with my medical history. Overall I am healthy, but in college was diagnosed with alopecia areota, which is an autoimmune disease that makes you body think your hair is a foreign object...in turn making you lose your hair. Some cases are worse than others. Mine was probably a medium case. I did lose a lot of hair including my eyelashes in college, but had a wonderful doctor who was proactive and I was able to recover from that. Some people lose all of the hair on their bodies. I have had a few flare ups here and there, but nothing for about 4 years. My infertility/endo doctor said that autoimmune diseases can be finicky sometimes and can flare up in different ways. What we think, but there is no way of knowing 100%, is that my body thought the babies I have gotten pregnant with have been foreign objects and around 6-9 weeks my body would win the battle and take the life of the baby. So, what my treatment ended up being was an IV treatment called Intralipids. This is what they use for patients who have transplants of many sorts. The patient will get three different, 2 hr long IV treatments to counteract your body from killing off what is not foreign in your body. That is what they used on me. I went in at the time of ovulation for my first, and then if I ended up pregnant (which I did for my first round of this), I went back every 30 days for two more treatments...which got to me almost 12 weeks pregnant. Apparently my body reacted well to this and the Intralipids was what I needed to sustain the pregnancy past 9 weeks (which was the latest I had lost one of the pregnancies before). We will never know if this was truly what worked, but I am grateful that I could talk to my doctor and tell him that I didn't need the "cocktail of medication" to get pregnant...I needed something to keep me pregnant! That is a somewhat quick version of the last months of my time with my specialist. Now I am back with a regular OB who thinks we are on a positive and great road to welcoming Josiah's baby brother or sister this summer :)
"Lord, I Need You" - Chris Tomlin
I am writing this post in my blog before we have announced our pregnancy because I wanted to remember what the Lord is teaching me through all of this. We are so grateful to be expecting again and to have made it to 15 weeks 5 days (at this point). I can promise you that not a day goes by that I don't thank God for that!! Up until 13 weeks I had been monitored very closely by my doctors, going about every 10 days (never more than 12 days) and having 7 ultrasounds. My last appointment was December 26th and my next appointment isn't until January 25th. I know that isn't that long, but when you go about every 10 days, four weeks is a long time to go without hearing the heartbeat and being reassured about things. This has been a huge test of who my faith and trust is in. At my last appointment on December 26th, my doctor told me that if I ever felt nervous and wanted to come in, to call and he would see me, but he felt confident that I could go on a regular OB schedule of every 4 weeks at this point. I am at the 2 week 3 day mark and I can't believe I have 2 more weeks to go. It has felt like an eternity and I have been nervous every day. I wake up in the night and just pray that the Lord would give me a peace and I continue that prayer throughout the day. I know for a fact that the doubt that I am feeling is from Satan. Satan knows what our weaknesses are and how to place doubt in our lives. For the past couple of days I have asked Josh more than once, "should I call and make an appointment?" His response was always super supportive of whatever I felt like I needed to do to have a peace of mind. He also reminded me that after hearing the heartbeat, I would be fine for a few days and then get nervous again...so true. He knows me too well and I am blessed to have him and his wisdom in my life. After several days of prayer I have determined that I need this time to learn and grow and to continue to place my trust in the only One who has control over any of this. It is easy for me to say "well I am nervous so I am just going to go hear the heartbeat to put my mind at ease," but what I know I need to do is be on my knees about this and TRUST in the One who made this baby! I feel like going to the doctor before my scheduled appointment would be giving into the doubt that Satan placed in my mind instead of telling Satan "to get ye behind me Satan..you will not prevail." Although this entire process is hard I am grateful to the Lord for taking me through this journey to teach me things I really need to learn. I honestly can say that no other experience in my life has made me grow spiritually like this has! I have learned that no matter what our Creator is the one in control. You can do everything right by the books, and something could go wrong with your pregnancy or you could not follow one pregnancy rule and end up having a healthy pregnancy.
So with all of that said, I am so glad Josh randomly came home today with a song for me to hear. It is exactly what I needed and Josh didn't even know it. I was crying while listening to it three times just because it was what I needed to hear. "Lord, I need you every hour."
So with all of that said, I am so glad Josh randomly came home today with a song for me to hear. It is exactly what I needed and Josh didn't even know it. I was crying while listening to it three times just because it was what I needed to hear. "Lord, I need you every hour."
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