Sharing the News and Why it was a little Difficult for me...(and a quick explanation of my treatment)

 Last night we finally announced that we are expecting again and due July 1.  I never expected it to be as hard as it was.  Let me explain.  We kept the news a secret from our family until I was 13 weeks along and we just announced to everyone else at 18 weeks.  I honestly feel like I have been pregnant for 40 weeks and should be delivering soon...not because I feel badly or anything, but because I have been monitored so closely and I have had more ultrasounds than a normal full term pregnancy would even have all by 13 weeks.  Again, we are beyond grateful for where we are at this point, that everything seems to be going smoothly and that our dream of having another child is on the road to coming true!  There are two reasons why it was difficult for me to announce our exciting news and I cried after we posted it while talking to Josh about everything.

The first reason it was hard to finally share the news is because we have experienced four miscarriages in a little over 2 years.  Some of those pregnancies we announced and very soon after our announcement we had to share the bad news that the baby didn't make it.  While I feel completely at peace about this pregnancy and have full confidence in the Lord and His will, I couldn't help but think about all of the times after people being excited for us, we then had to share the emotional and devastating news that we lost the baby.  I don't feel like that will happen this time and our doctor says that everything looks and sounds great, but in the back of my mind I think about the heartbreak of losing our other children.  (funny - maybe not so funny and ironic side note: every time we go to the doctor we get put back into the same room we were placed in in May - 2 days after my birthday and a few days before Mother's Day- when we found out I would be having surgery three days later because our baby had no heartbeat.  Josh and I just look at each other every time we get put into that room and and say "I hate this room." - I feel like it is just a reminder to me from the Lord...Him asking me "are you going to Trust Me or are you going to give into the doubt of this particular room?")

Secondly, I hesitated to post it because my heart truly aches for those that are in similar situations as we have been!  I know there are women/couples out there that are trying, have tried, currently trying, having difficulties and even suffering the heartache of a miscarriage!  Any friend who has posted that they are expecting, I have very much been excited for them and their growing family!!!  I never wish miscarriage, infertility or complications on anyone!!  But I also know after you read an announcement, see pictures, etc there is a piece of your heart that cries.  There is a thought in your brain that asks why...a desire for that to be you...maybe even you thinking about their due date and wondering if they are due when you were supposed to be welcoming your bundle of joy into your own family.  Don't get me wrong...I absolutely love seeing friends excited about their own pregnancies!!  Until you have experienced the loss a miscarriage brings and the piece of your heart that will always be in Heaven with the baby you never got to hold, you won't be able to understand...and I pray that the women and couples who haven't had to deal with that never have to!!!  So, if this is you...let me say I am SORRY and I understand!!!  Don't give up and trust in the One who makes life happen in the first place!!!!  As hard as it was and has been, I have zero regret or anger for anything we have been through.  It truly has shaped me into the person I am today and I will always pray that it continues to mold me and have a heart for those that deal with this kind of loss!!!

All in all, after announcing, and crying while explaining to Josh why it was so hard...I never had to explain - he totally knew and I love him for that!  I am blessed to even have him in my life...let alone be married to such an incredible man...I am glad we did it!  I am glad that all of our family and friends know now and can rejoice in this incredible answer to so many prayers!!!  So, thank you!!!

A quick overview to this point (quick because my eyes hurt from being on the computer and because I don't want to bore you with details)....Since seeing my infertility/endo doctor starting in July 2012, they did a lot more tests (didn't even know there more I could even have done with what we had done already), was put on several different medications for different reasons, had a surgery involving two procedures and probably some other stuff I am forgetting.  I did get pregnant along that way, but lost the baby early on.  After reevaluating things with my doctor and explaining my concerns that I didn't have trouble getting pregnant, I had trouble staying pregnant I was happy that he was open and willing to do a little more research with my medical history.  Overall I am healthy, but in college was diagnosed with alopecia areota, which is an autoimmune disease that makes you body think your hair is a foreign object...in turn making you lose your hair.  Some cases are worse than others.  Mine was probably a medium case.  I did lose a lot of hair including my eyelashes in college, but had a wonderful doctor who was proactive and I was able to recover from that.  Some people lose all of the hair on their bodies.  I have had a few flare ups here and there, but nothing for about 4 years.  My infertility/endo doctor said that autoimmune diseases can be finicky sometimes and can flare up in different ways.  What we think, but there is no way of knowing 100%, is that my body thought the babies I have gotten pregnant with have been foreign objects and around 6-9 weeks my body would win the battle and take the life of the baby.  So, what my treatment ended up being was an IV treatment called Intralipids.  This is what they use for patients who have transplants of many sorts.  The patient will get three different, 2 hr long IV treatments to counteract your body from killing off what is not foreign in your body.  That is what they used on me.  I went in at the time of ovulation for my first, and then if I ended up pregnant (which I did for my first round of this), I went back every 30 days for two more treatments...which got to me almost 12 weeks pregnant.  Apparently my body reacted well to this and the Intralipids was what I needed to sustain the pregnancy past 9 weeks (which was the latest I had lost one of the pregnancies before).  We will never know if this was truly what worked, but I am grateful that I could talk to my doctor and tell him that I didn't need the "cocktail of medication" to get pregnant...I needed something to keep me pregnant!   That is a somewhat quick version of the last months of my time with my specialist.  Now I am back with a regular OB who thinks we are on a positive and great road to welcoming Josiah's baby brother or sister this summer :)