"Debbie Downer"

I am usually not one to have a "Debbie Downer" kind of day.  I am a very optimistic person who enjoys everything I do.  Not a real fan of feeling this way and I know things will be better tomorrow.  I just feel like I have a lot on my mind.  The day started off with me not being able to workout because my alarm didn't go off.  I feel so much better when I exercise and I needed that today.  I have taken some time off of doing Insanity the past couple of weeks to see if that may help with our pregnancy issues.  Since I am not pregnant and feeling kind of blah about myself I thought I would start it back up this morning.  If you are like me, and you don't get your workout in first thing in the morning, chances are you won't fit it into your day!  Things get busy and it just gets pushed to the next day.  Plus, once I am showered and dressed I just give up on it for the day.  It is hard enough some days to get a nice shower and dressed properly with makeup and hair, so forget about doing it twice in one day!  I like being presentable when Josh comes home from work..not in workout clothes or sweats, but in something decent with my hair done and at least a little makeup on. 

Another thing that has gotten me down today is thinking about this court date we have tomorrow morning.  Back in March we had a patio put in our backyard and the guy did a completely awful job!  We decided since he wasn't going to try and make it right, and to be honest, we don't want him to be on our property anymore, we would take him to small claims court (which is something we have NEVER done before).  The day we were scheduled to small claims, he had a lawyer come and try to settle with us by saying he would come and fix it.  NO THANK YOU!!  So, we hired a lawyer to help us with going more into it.  Our pictures are good enough to win and our lawyer feels sure it will be fine, but I am nervous.  We spent money on this patio and now we can't even use it.  We are more than likely moving in May and will need to have it fixed before we put our house on the market to sell or rent.  We have to win in order to pay for the repairs, but even if we win, we are definitely not guaranteed to see that money any time soon.  I am just praying that it all works out for our best.  We have a professional witness come with us to state that is was in fact done incorrectly and is now a safety hazard.  We shall see!!!  Praying for a nice judge - one who will see that he lied about the work that the guy did.

I have been reflecting today on our miscarriages, too.  I don't know why some days are harder than others.  Back in July when I had the second miscarriage I felt like I was doing fine.  It has gotten harder as the days go by.  I think about how far along I would be right now...I see other women who are pregnant and are probably where I would have been in their pregnancy.  Believe me, I SEE A LOT OF PREGNANT WOMEN!  Today at the library for story time I am sure there were at least 5 in there (I would like to drink what they are drinking)!  I would be 5 months along right now, so if we wanted to find out what that baby was going to be, we could know by now.  I would be feeling the baby move and planning what to do in the nursery.  It just stinks to be honest!!!  I don't know why the Lord took those two babies to Heaven, but I never imagined you could love a baby without ever meeting him or her.  It is a pain that I wish upon no one and if you have experienced a miscarriage I understand and I am SORRY!!!  17 Months is a long time of trying...although I know for a fact that there are people out there who have tried longer!!!  I know that there are mothers out there who have had harder pregnancies...even birthing their babies and having to say goodbye!  MY HEART ACHES FOR THEM!!!!  I cannot even imagine their pain and empty feeling!  Josh and I long to have another child, but I wonder if that is God's will for us.  I am not saying that in a negative way, but what if He has other plans for us?  I am praying now for my heart to be open to those plans!  I am definitely NOT giving up on us having another little blessing from the Lord, but realizing that I may need to be open to other options, too!  We never imagined it would be this hard or take us this long to get pregnant again.  We got pregnant so fast with Josiah and I had a wonderful pregnancy.  I loved being pregnant.  It is just a shock to me (us) that we don't have another little one already!   We will keep on trying, knowing that the Lord knows best and will protect us and allow us to grow through all of this.  I am grateful for whatever He is teaching us through this and I promise to grow deeper in my relationship with Him and Josh!!!

I am beyond blessed to have such an amazing husband!!!  He is so amazing and encouraging!!  He is my best friend and I am so thankful to have him home with me!!  He is such a great husband and father to our little man and it brings me so much joy to see them interact!  I can't imagine my life without either of them!!!!!