Last night we finally announced that we are expecting again and due July 1. I never expected it to be as hard as it was. Let me explain. We kept the news a secret from our family until I was 13 weeks along and we just announced to everyone else at 18 weeks. I honestly feel like I have been pregnant for 40 weeks and should be delivering soon...not because I feel badly or anything, but because I have been monitored so closely and I have had more ultrasounds than a normal full term pregnancy would even have all by 13 weeks. Again, we are beyond grateful for where we are at this point, that everything seems to be going smoothly and that our dream of having another child is on the road to coming true! There are two reasons why it was difficult for me to announce our exciting news and I cried after we posted it while talking to Josh about everything.
The first reason it was hard to finally share the news is because we have experienced four miscarriages in a little over 2 years. Some of those pregnancies we announced and very soon after our announcement we had to share the bad news that the baby didn't make it. While I feel completely at peace about this pregnancy and have full confidence in the Lord and His will, I couldn't help but think about all of the times after people being excited for us, we then had to share the emotional and devastating news that we lost the baby. I don't feel like that will happen this time and our doctor says that everything looks and sounds great, but in the back of my mind I think about the heartbreak of losing our other children. (funny - maybe not so funny and ironic side note: every time we go to the doctor we get put back into the same room we were placed in in May - 2 days after my birthday and a few days before Mother's Day- when we found out I would be having surgery three days later because our baby had no heartbeat. Josh and I just look at each other every time we get put into that room and and say "I hate this room." - I feel like it is just a reminder to me from the Lord...Him asking me "are you going to Trust Me or are you going to give into the doubt of this particular room?")
Secondly, I hesitated to post it because my heart truly aches for those that are in similar situations as we have been! I know there are women/couples out there that are trying, have tried, currently trying, having difficulties and even suffering the heartache of a miscarriage! Any friend who has posted that they are expecting, I have very much been excited for them and their growing family!!! I never wish miscarriage, infertility or complications on anyone!! But I also know after you read an announcement, see pictures, etc there is a piece of your heart that cries. There is a thought in your brain that asks why...a desire for that to be you...maybe even you thinking about their due date and wondering if they are due when you were supposed to be welcoming your bundle of joy into your own family. Don't get me wrong...I absolutely love seeing friends excited about their own pregnancies!! Until you have experienced the loss a miscarriage brings and the piece of your heart that will always be in Heaven with the baby you never got to hold, you won't be able to understand...and I pray that the women and couples who haven't had to deal with that never have to!!! So, if this is you...let me say I am SORRY and I understand!!! Don't give up and trust in the One who makes life happen in the first place!!!! As hard as it was and has been, I have zero regret or anger for anything we have been through. It truly has shaped me into the person I am today and I will always pray that it continues to mold me and have a heart for those that deal with this kind of loss!!!
All in all, after announcing, and crying while explaining to Josh why it was so hard...I never had to explain - he totally knew and I love him for that! I am blessed to even have him in my life...let alone be married to such an incredible man...I am glad we did it! I am glad that all of our family and friends know now and can rejoice in this incredible answer to so many prayers!!! So, thank you!!!
A quick overview to this point (quick because my eyes hurt from being on the computer and because I don't want to bore you with details)....Since seeing my infertility/endo doctor starting in July 2012, they did a lot more tests (didn't even know there more I could even have done with what we had done already), was put on several different medications for different reasons, had a surgery involving two procedures and probably some other stuff I am forgetting. I did get pregnant along that way, but lost the baby early on. After reevaluating things with my doctor and explaining my concerns that I didn't have trouble getting pregnant, I had trouble staying pregnant I was happy that he was open and willing to do a little more research with my medical history. Overall I am healthy, but in college was diagnosed with alopecia areota, which is an autoimmune disease that makes you body think your hair is a foreign object...in turn making you lose your hair. Some cases are worse than others. Mine was probably a medium case. I did lose a lot of hair including my eyelashes in college, but had a wonderful doctor who was proactive and I was able to recover from that. Some people lose all of the hair on their bodies. I have had a few flare ups here and there, but nothing for about 4 years. My infertility/endo doctor said that autoimmune diseases can be finicky sometimes and can flare up in different ways. What we think, but there is no way of knowing 100%, is that my body thought the babies I have gotten pregnant with have been foreign objects and around 6-9 weeks my body would win the battle and take the life of the baby. So, what my treatment ended up being was an IV treatment called Intralipids. This is what they use for patients who have transplants of many sorts. The patient will get three different, 2 hr long IV treatments to counteract your body from killing off what is not foreign in your body. That is what they used on me. I went in at the time of ovulation for my first, and then if I ended up pregnant (which I did for my first round of this), I went back every 30 days for two more treatments...which got to me almost 12 weeks pregnant. Apparently my body reacted well to this and the Intralipids was what I needed to sustain the pregnancy past 9 weeks (which was the latest I had lost one of the pregnancies before). We will never know if this was truly what worked, but I am grateful that I could talk to my doctor and tell him that I didn't need the "cocktail of medication" to get pregnant...I needed something to keep me pregnant! That is a somewhat quick version of the last months of my time with my specialist. Now I am back with a regular OB who thinks we are on a positive and great road to welcoming Josiah's baby brother or sister this summer :)
Sunday, January 27, 2013
"Lord, I Need You" - Chris Tomlin
I am writing this post in my blog before we have announced our pregnancy because I wanted to remember what the Lord is teaching me through all of this. We are so grateful to be expecting again and to have made it to 15 weeks 5 days (at this point). I can promise you that not a day goes by that I don't thank God for that!! Up until 13 weeks I had been monitored very closely by my doctors, going about every 10 days (never more than 12 days) and having 7 ultrasounds. My last appointment was December 26th and my next appointment isn't until January 25th. I know that isn't that long, but when you go about every 10 days, four weeks is a long time to go without hearing the heartbeat and being reassured about things. This has been a huge test of who my faith and trust is in. At my last appointment on December 26th, my doctor told me that if I ever felt nervous and wanted to come in, to call and he would see me, but he felt confident that I could go on a regular OB schedule of every 4 weeks at this point. I am at the 2 week 3 day mark and I can't believe I have 2 more weeks to go. It has felt like an eternity and I have been nervous every day. I wake up in the night and just pray that the Lord would give me a peace and I continue that prayer throughout the day. I know for a fact that the doubt that I am feeling is from Satan. Satan knows what our weaknesses are and how to place doubt in our lives. For the past couple of days I have asked Josh more than once, "should I call and make an appointment?" His response was always super supportive of whatever I felt like I needed to do to have a peace of mind. He also reminded me that after hearing the heartbeat, I would be fine for a few days and then get nervous again...so true. He knows me too well and I am blessed to have him and his wisdom in my life. After several days of prayer I have determined that I need this time to learn and grow and to continue to place my trust in the only One who has control over any of this. It is easy for me to say "well I am nervous so I am just going to go hear the heartbeat to put my mind at ease," but what I know I need to do is be on my knees about this and TRUST in the One who made this baby! I feel like going to the doctor before my scheduled appointment would be giving into the doubt that Satan placed in my mind instead of telling Satan "to get ye behind me Satan..you will not prevail." Although this entire process is hard I am grateful to the Lord for taking me through this journey to teach me things I really need to learn. I honestly can say that no other experience in my life has made me grow spiritually like this has! I have learned that no matter what our Creator is the one in control. You can do everything right by the books, and something could go wrong with your pregnancy or you could not follow one pregnancy rule and end up having a healthy pregnancy.
So with all of that said, I am so glad Josh randomly came home today with a song for me to hear. It is exactly what I needed and Josh didn't even know it. I was crying while listening to it three times just because it was what I needed to hear. "Lord, I need you every hour."
So with all of that said, I am so glad Josh randomly came home today with a song for me to hear. It is exactly what I needed and Josh didn't even know it. I was crying while listening to it three times just because it was what I needed to hear. "Lord, I need you every hour."
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Josiah's 4th Birthday Party
I love birthdays!! I love to celebrate the one day a year that is set aside for one special person in your life, whoever it may be!!! My parents always had a celebration for my brother and me on our birthdays growing up and it made me feel special...which is why I always have fun planning Josiah's birthday. Kids birthday parties are so fun!!! Probably about 3 months or so before his birthday, we started talking about what theme he would like to have and looked online and in magazines to find a theme. He really would have loved to have had a Peter Pan party, but since the movie is not released at the time from Disney it is almost impossible to find anything Peter Pan. He really LOVES pirates, but neither one of us was a fan of the skull and cross bone party stuff. That is when we found party items for Jake and the Neverland Pirates (a show in the Disney Channel). Peter Pan has made guest appearances on the show over the last year, so Josiah was super excited to have Jake as his birthday party theme. After looking on Pinterest (best ever place to get party ideas) I started planning. I knew I wanted to make a cake, I wanted to have games for the kids because he is at the age where playing party games is possible/fun and I wanted him to remember this special day!!! My list making had begun.
I wanted to save as much money as possible, because we all know birthday parties add up. I started with making our own Pin the Patch on the Pirate Game. I printed a coloring sheet off of DisneyJunior.com and took it to Staples and go it enlarged to a 16x20 size. I colored Jake the Pirate and cut little patches (ovals) out of card stock. Each child had a patch with his/her name on it. I took the colored pirate and patches back to Staples to get them all laminated. I knew I also wanted the kids to be able to make a treasure chest of some kind so I went to AC Moore, Jo Ann Fabric and Hobby Lobby to look at our options. Since we had children coming to the party ranging from age 10 months to 12 years old, I knew I had to have something that work for them all (or at least most of them). While looking online I found some papier-mache chests that I decided would be perfect and way, way cheaper than buying the wooden ones I was going to buy at Hobby Lobby. If we ended up doing the wooden ones I was going to have the kids all paint theirs, which in the end would have been one big mess and I would have had to have a lot more supplies. I ended up spray painting the papier-mache ones gold and getting jewel stickers for each child to decorate their chest. That worked out so much better than my original plan and I am so glad that it did. We also had a pirate ship pinata that was a hit and I bought a bag of gold coins for the kids to go on their own treasure hunt.
The week of his birthday party I kept checking the weather, since we were planning to have the party at the park. One day it would say 10% chance of rain, the next it would be 0% chance and then 20%. So by Wednesday I decided it would be best to reserve our apartment clubhouse...so glad it was available because by Friday the forecast for Saturday was 100% chance and it definitely rained!!! Regardless of the rain, I think the party couldn't have gone better. The room was big enough for everyone invited and the kids seemed to have a great time...and since it was in one room that meant the kids were confined to one area versus having to yell all over the park to get them to do a game or lunch.
After a late night Friday night (actually early Saturday morning at 2am), my mom and I got a few hours of sleep before getting up to finish the final touches to food. We had everything packed in boxes and drove over to the clubhouse to set up. I couldn't have done it without my mom! She made another awesome veggie tray (she has made one for all 4 of his birthday parties) and she ended up making the fruit salad that I was planning on doing but took extra long making and decorating the cakes. She also did so many more things that helped us both to be able to even go to bed that night!!! Setting up the clubhouse went smoothly with my mom putting the food out, my dad and Josiah hiding the gold coins, Josh going to pick up the subs from our local grocery store and I decorated the rest.
When the kids arrived they were able to pick up their pirate gear all labeled with their names on each (that is the teacher in me)...a hook, a telescope, an eye patch, and their choice of a colored bandana. (there were 12 kids, there were 12 different colored bandanas so each pirate could have their favorite color and look unique). The kids played and mingled for a little while until most of them had arrived. I allowed them to begin decorating their treasure chests with the jewel stickers (and each chest had a surprise of one piece of gold in it). After everyone was finished decorating we set them out to search for gold. My dad and Josiah really did a great job with the space we had hiding 150 pieces of gold...some in easy places for the little ones, and some a little more difficult for the older kids. I think they had a lot of fun searching for gold and being able to take it all home in their treasure chests.
After allowing them to play for a little while, we then went on to doing the Pin the Patch on the Pirate Game. We covered all of their eyes with a pirate sash, but for the kids over the age of 5 we also spun them a few times to make it fair! The winner of this game won a foam sword! After this game we went on to having lunch. We had subs with all of the fixings from the local grocery store that were absolutely amazing (I want to buy a tray just to have our lunches made for a week at home...they were that good), a veggie tray, fruit salad, chips, gold fish, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches for kids who don't eat subs, and drinks. After everyone ate lunch we moved onto the pinata...which of course brought lots of excitement from the kids. We had the kids line up on a line and each child was given a little gift bag with his/her name on it. Each kid got to take a few swings at the pinata on their turn. (We eventually went from a foam bat to a wooden one...glad we had both with us). The pinata was finally busted and the kids went diving for the goodies inside! The child who busted open the pinata also got a foam sword to take home!
Then we moved on to cake. Josiah asked for a chocolate cake. I had made a pirate ship cake (chocolate) and a treasure chest cake (vanilla pound cake and I got the idea from pinterest). For my first time really decorating a cake by hand and by scratch it turned out pretty well. Josiah loved it and that is all that counts! They didn't turn out as bad as I thought they would, but not as good as I had hoped! Let's face it...I am no Cake Boss and never plan on opening my own cake shop! At 1:30am Saturday morning, I told my mom to remind me to never do that again, but to be completely honest I am sure I will do it again next year. He is worth it and making the cake is fun for the most part.
Opening gifts was the last thing we did. Josiah was so excited to have all of his little friends there and it cracks me up that at every kid party you go to the kids all start off sitting down while the child opens his/her gifts and then by gift #2 or 3 they are swarming around the birthday child to see what they got. Luckily I was able to remember each gift and who it came from in order to write correct thank you notes!!!
All in all the party went great and smooth!!! Each child went home with some pirate gear as well as a small goodie bad and a homemade coloring book I made out of coloring sheets from the Disney website. Josiah had a blast and was so excited about turning four! I can't believe he is four already!!! I am so grateful for that little boy....we love him more than we ever could have imagined. He brings so much joy to our family and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for entrusting us with him!!!! He truly is a blessing!!! And, the next day he asks, "Mommy, can I have another birthday tomorrow because that was fun??!!!" Him saying that made all of the hard work of planning and late night of decorating completely worth it!!! His smile was priceless!!!!
The week of his birthday party I kept checking the weather, since we were planning to have the party at the park. One day it would say 10% chance of rain, the next it would be 0% chance and then 20%. So by Wednesday I decided it would be best to reserve our apartment clubhouse...so glad it was available because by Friday the forecast for Saturday was 100% chance and it definitely rained!!! Regardless of the rain, I think the party couldn't have gone better. The room was big enough for everyone invited and the kids seemed to have a great time...and since it was in one room that meant the kids were confined to one area versus having to yell all over the park to get them to do a game or lunch.
After a late night Friday night (actually early Saturday morning at 2am), my mom and I got a few hours of sleep before getting up to finish the final touches to food. We had everything packed in boxes and drove over to the clubhouse to set up. I couldn't have done it without my mom! She made another awesome veggie tray (she has made one for all 4 of his birthday parties) and she ended up making the fruit salad that I was planning on doing but took extra long making and decorating the cakes. She also did so many more things that helped us both to be able to even go to bed that night!!! Setting up the clubhouse went smoothly with my mom putting the food out, my dad and Josiah hiding the gold coins, Josh going to pick up the subs from our local grocery store and I decorated the rest.
When the kids arrived they were able to pick up their pirate gear all labeled with their names on each (that is the teacher in me)...a hook, a telescope, an eye patch, and their choice of a colored bandana. (there were 12 kids, there were 12 different colored bandanas so each pirate could have their favorite color and look unique). The kids played and mingled for a little while until most of them had arrived. I allowed them to begin decorating their treasure chests with the jewel stickers (and each chest had a surprise of one piece of gold in it). After everyone was finished decorating we set them out to search for gold. My dad and Josiah really did a great job with the space we had hiding 150 pieces of gold...some in easy places for the little ones, and some a little more difficult for the older kids. I think they had a lot of fun searching for gold and being able to take it all home in their treasure chests. 
After allowing them to play for a little while, we then went on to doing the Pin the Patch on the Pirate Game. We covered all of their eyes with a pirate sash, but for the kids over the age of 5 we also spun them a few times to make it fair! The winner of this game won a foam sword! After this game we went on to having lunch. We had subs with all of the fixings from the local grocery store that were absolutely amazing (I want to buy a tray just to have our lunches made for a week at home...they were that good), a veggie tray, fruit salad, chips, gold fish, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches for kids who don't eat subs, and drinks. After everyone ate lunch we moved onto the pinata...which of course brought lots of excitement from the kids. We had the kids line up on a line and each child was given a little gift bag with his/her name on it. Each kid got to take a few swings at the pinata on their turn. (We eventually went from a foam bat to a wooden one...glad we had both with us). The pinata was finally busted and the kids went diving for the goodies inside! The child who busted open the pinata also got a foam sword to take home!
Opening gifts was the last thing we did. Josiah was so excited to have all of his little friends there and it cracks me up that at every kid party you go to the kids all start off sitting down while the child opens his/her gifts and then by gift #2 or 3 they are swarming around the birthday child to see what they got. Luckily I was able to remember each gift and who it came from in order to write correct thank you notes!!!
Sunday, September 2, 2012
"A Teacher is Always Silent During a Test"
First of all, for those that read and care, I am sorry for such a big gap between blogs. I always think of something to blog about but then don't get around to it for a few days and by that time I forget most of it and move on to whatever else I was doing instead of blogging. Hopefully I am not the only one this happens to.
I love reading Karen Kinsgbury books. If you aren't familiar with her, she is a Christian Non-Fiction author and she is definitely one of my top two favorite authors. I love how she can write a non-fiction book and still include Biblical truths and realistic circumstances that go along with those truths. I love that I don't feel like I am reading trash and I am getting something spiritual out of what I am reading! I am in the process of reading the last book in her "Bailey Flannigan Series," and something that I read last night really has stuck with me. A quick synopsis of what was happening in the book: One of the main characters had recently become a Believer and during his growth in the Lord he asked God to test him so that he could become a stronger Christian, relying completely on God and not himself. As he was sharing this bit of information with another character in the book, he told her this "A teacher is almost always silent during a test." Then the book goes on to read "That was definitely true for what God was teaching him now. How he had to have complete dependence on the Lord in order to pursue what he was after." Wow - this hit me and as I continued to read and then later ponder over that statement I was just taken back. I even was talking to Josh at midnight in bed (after he had worked all day on school work...poor guy had to listen to me chatting away) about what I read. He also thought that it was very true. Sometimes when the Lord is testing us to grow us, He is silent....allowing us to grow and rely solely on Him and put our complete trust in him. Not sure if what I read hit me even more because I was a teacher (and still am to a point for Josiah) and how when I would give tests to my students I would remain silent (yet always stay in the room/present)...allowing them the opportunity to focus and concentrate! I would also remain silent when they would come to me asking me to pretty much give them the answer (gotta love students). I wanted them to learn, wanted them to trust in what they already knew and I didn't want to interfere with their learning process. I feel like this is so true when it comes to the Lord being our "teacher." Sometimes He remains silent, especially during a test, so that we can completely have faith in Him, so that we try harder to hear Him instead of just having every answer right away, and so that we can trust!
I am so grateful for the tests that the Lord gives us. I wouldn't being growing and learning without them...and I want to be able to teach others, particularly Josiah and any other children we may have, what the Lord has taught me through tests and challenges. Many of you know (especially if you read my blog) about the challenges we have had with having more children. I definitely feel like these challenges have been a test for me and our relationship. In the past year and a half or so we have conceived 4 times and miscarried each one...with our most recent miscarriage being 2 weeks ago. Ask any woman that has had a miscarriage and they will tell you that it is hard and something that no one can truly understand unless they have experienced one themselves. As much as we (Josh and I) would love holding each one of those babies right now in our arms, I have to say that we also appreciate the Lord for all He has taught us through it. Of course it is sad and sometimes frustrating because of the not knowing why, but I am happy to say that I have never gotten mad at God for it and never thought that I don't deserve this or anything. There are a handful of people who knew about our most recent miscarriage...and two of those people told me not to give up. I have never once felt like giving up, I have never questioned whether or not the Lord loved me...I know that He does and I know HIS will is perfect for our lives...even the hard times. I can honestly say that the infertility issues we have had over the last year and a half or two have definitely deepened my faith in the Lord and have almost made me have to trust Him more...especially since the doctors can't give us any answers as to why either. I feel like as a Christian I have needed something to strengthen my faith in Him....to be able to let go of things I have zero control over and let Him be the Ruler and Maker that He is meant to be in every one's life and to strengthen my prayer life. This has also brought Josh and I even closer than we were before. We have been through this entire miscarriage and desire to grow our family journey together...every step of the way and we will continue to go through it together. It is so neat to me to see how we have each had our weak moments at different times and I know the Lord allowed it to happen that way so that the other one could be strong, encouraging and supportive for the one who is feeling low. I know and fully trust that God will grow our family (maybe even more than we want all at once..ha ha)! I have faith that He will and can...even if that means it isn't biologically ours! We are praying and seeking what He would have us do. So that leads me to the quick story of what my next step is medically....(And I have even struggled with wondering how far medically we should take this)
My doctor here has done just about everything he can do at this point and so in the next two weeks I am going in for an exploratory surgery to see if there is more to what is going on than what blood work, ultrasounds and tests have/have not shown. I will have a laparoscopy, hysteroctomy and ovarian acupuncture done. We are praying and really hoping that this will be scheduled around Josh's class schedule and if not, we will make it work. The doctor wants to do it ASAP, but doesn't do surgeries on Friday's, which is the only day Josh doesn't have class (most Friday's). It is kind of funny to me that the only surgery prior to turning 32 that I ever had was getting my wisdom teeth removed at the age of 18 and since turning 32 in May I will have had 2 surgeries! I guess I am falling apart, despite feeling better and being in better shape than I was when I was 22! We are praying for some answers, but even if the surgery doesn't show anything (fibroids, endometriosis, ovarian cysts, etc), we will have answers. We will have always wondered if there was something more, and without the surgery we wouldn't know.
Back to the title of my blog entry "A Teacher is Always Silent During a Test..." Thank you, Lord for allowing growth while sometimes staying silent, yet always present!!!
I love reading Karen Kinsgbury books. If you aren't familiar with her, she is a Christian Non-Fiction author and she is definitely one of my top two favorite authors. I love how she can write a non-fiction book and still include Biblical truths and realistic circumstances that go along with those truths. I love that I don't feel like I am reading trash and I am getting something spiritual out of what I am reading! I am in the process of reading the last book in her "Bailey Flannigan Series," and something that I read last night really has stuck with me. A quick synopsis of what was happening in the book: One of the main characters had recently become a Believer and during his growth in the Lord he asked God to test him so that he could become a stronger Christian, relying completely on God and not himself. As he was sharing this bit of information with another character in the book, he told her this "A teacher is almost always silent during a test." Then the book goes on to read "That was definitely true for what God was teaching him now. How he had to have complete dependence on the Lord in order to pursue what he was after." Wow - this hit me and as I continued to read and then later ponder over that statement I was just taken back. I even was talking to Josh at midnight in bed (after he had worked all day on school work...poor guy had to listen to me chatting away) about what I read. He also thought that it was very true. Sometimes when the Lord is testing us to grow us, He is silent....allowing us to grow and rely solely on Him and put our complete trust in him. Not sure if what I read hit me even more because I was a teacher (and still am to a point for Josiah) and how when I would give tests to my students I would remain silent (yet always stay in the room/present)...allowing them the opportunity to focus and concentrate! I would also remain silent when they would come to me asking me to pretty much give them the answer (gotta love students). I wanted them to learn, wanted them to trust in what they already knew and I didn't want to interfere with their learning process. I feel like this is so true when it comes to the Lord being our "teacher." Sometimes He remains silent, especially during a test, so that we can completely have faith in Him, so that we try harder to hear Him instead of just having every answer right away, and so that we can trust!
I am so grateful for the tests that the Lord gives us. I wouldn't being growing and learning without them...and I want to be able to teach others, particularly Josiah and any other children we may have, what the Lord has taught me through tests and challenges. Many of you know (especially if you read my blog) about the challenges we have had with having more children. I definitely feel like these challenges have been a test for me and our relationship. In the past year and a half or so we have conceived 4 times and miscarried each one...with our most recent miscarriage being 2 weeks ago. Ask any woman that has had a miscarriage and they will tell you that it is hard and something that no one can truly understand unless they have experienced one themselves. As much as we (Josh and I) would love holding each one of those babies right now in our arms, I have to say that we also appreciate the Lord for all He has taught us through it. Of course it is sad and sometimes frustrating because of the not knowing why, but I am happy to say that I have never gotten mad at God for it and never thought that I don't deserve this or anything. There are a handful of people who knew about our most recent miscarriage...and two of those people told me not to give up. I have never once felt like giving up, I have never questioned whether or not the Lord loved me...I know that He does and I know HIS will is perfect for our lives...even the hard times. I can honestly say that the infertility issues we have had over the last year and a half or two have definitely deepened my faith in the Lord and have almost made me have to trust Him more...especially since the doctors can't give us any answers as to why either. I feel like as a Christian I have needed something to strengthen my faith in Him....to be able to let go of things I have zero control over and let Him be the Ruler and Maker that He is meant to be in every one's life and to strengthen my prayer life. This has also brought Josh and I even closer than we were before. We have been through this entire miscarriage and desire to grow our family journey together...every step of the way and we will continue to go through it together. It is so neat to me to see how we have each had our weak moments at different times and I know the Lord allowed it to happen that way so that the other one could be strong, encouraging and supportive for the one who is feeling low. I know and fully trust that God will grow our family (maybe even more than we want all at once..ha ha)! I have faith that He will and can...even if that means it isn't biologically ours! We are praying and seeking what He would have us do. So that leads me to the quick story of what my next step is medically....(And I have even struggled with wondering how far medically we should take this)
My doctor here has done just about everything he can do at this point and so in the next two weeks I am going in for an exploratory surgery to see if there is more to what is going on than what blood work, ultrasounds and tests have/have not shown. I will have a laparoscopy, hysteroctomy and ovarian acupuncture done. We are praying and really hoping that this will be scheduled around Josh's class schedule and if not, we will make it work. The doctor wants to do it ASAP, but doesn't do surgeries on Friday's, which is the only day Josh doesn't have class (most Friday's). It is kind of funny to me that the only surgery prior to turning 32 that I ever had was getting my wisdom teeth removed at the age of 18 and since turning 32 in May I will have had 2 surgeries! I guess I am falling apart, despite feeling better and being in better shape than I was when I was 22! We are praying for some answers, but even if the surgery doesn't show anything (fibroids, endometriosis, ovarian cysts, etc), we will have answers. We will have always wondered if there was something more, and without the surgery we wouldn't know.
Back to the title of my blog entry "A Teacher is Always Silent During a Test..." Thank you, Lord for allowing growth while sometimes staying silent, yet always present!!!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Such a blessing
I know every parent is super proud of their child/children!! I know we all think of our children as special, which we totally should! They are special...they are a blessing from the Lord. It seems like I realize how much of a true blessing Josiah is as time goes on and he gets bigger and learns more things. Also, as I learn about other's who have experienced loss in their lives, as well as our own difficulties with maintaining a pregnancy!!
I feel like Josiah is at such a fun age! I am having so much fun with him playing, teaching, training and just talking with him. I think it is so cool that I can have a full out conversation with him and he totally understands what I am saying. I love the things that he says that only Josh and I would understand what he means...for example, since moving here we have to check the weather before we get dressed because you never know if it is going to be cool or hot out. So, when he asks about his clothing for the day he always asks "can I wear a sleeve shirt that doesn't pull down? or do I have to wear a sleeve shirt that pulls down?" Which translated means: "can I wear a short sleeve shirt or do I have to wear a long sleeved shirt?" He has other cute things that he says, but I won't fill the blog with those...at least not this blog. Maybe I can make one just for those.
Josh and I feel so blessed with Josiah. We are SO thankful to the Lord for allowing us the opportunity to be his parents. He has done incredible with this move and that makes me so happy!! As a military family, and this being Josiah's first move that he realizes, I was kind of nervous about how he would adjust. So many things have changed in his life. We went from a place where we had lots of friends and we had a routine of things we did each week to make sure we made time to establish lasting relationships with those people, we had a home with lots of room, a yard and a neighborhood where we knew all of our neighbors and Josh had his normal job routine with similar times each day that he would leave and come home. At three years old, he has adjusted so well to the big change. We are slowly meeting people and hopefully he will start to get some lasting relationships with friends here (I can sometimes be completely content with being at home all day doing our thing, but I realize how important it is to establish healthy friendships for both of us so we are getting out and about), we are totally content with the smaller living space we have and I actually enjoy the fact that it takes me no time to clean it and we are all adjusting to Josh's new school schedule and making it all work out! But, anyway, back to our "Blessing" (AKA...Josiah). We are just so proud of him and the flexibility he has had throughout the move. (I would maybe consider myself to be a "not so flexible person"...I like my little routine), but it totally helps that he is older and able to be off schedule here and there without it messing up our entire day.
Over the last several months Josh and I have noticed so much of how much his heart is being molded into a sweet and caring child. Of course, he is a child and there are times where discipline is needed, but we are just in awe of how much he has learned over the last year. (The day he turned three I wasn't so sure...LOL...that was a rough week/month or so of behavior issues - and there have been times here and there - sometimes longer than others that we have really had to discipline more than others.) As a parent that is hard, but we are totally seeing how the Lord is faithful and rewarding us with our commitment to raising our child in His way!!! We have witnessed his kind heart when being around others, asking if children are ok, sharing without being told or asked to and we can just see him thinking things out before he does something. He has also started asking a lot more questions about Jesus and the other day I had the news on and they were interviewing a Priest at a Catholic church about something and Josiah saw the cross with Jesus on it in the background. He immediately said "Mommy, that makes me sad to see Jesus on the cross. I wish he wasn't there." (I explained to him that Jesus isn't there anymore and the reason why he was there in the first place). It melted my heart to hear him say that and recognize the fact that it is sad to see Jesus on the cross!!! At the picnic we went to tonight neither one of us asked him to go up to this little boy who was playing alone, but he did and he handed the boy the bat and asked him if he wanted to play. When we got in the car to come home we told him how proud we were of him for his loving heart and good attitude and we asked him "do you know who else is SO proud of you?" His quick response was "JESUS...Jesus is proud of me."
I am so grateful for that little boy...and I am beyond grateful to the Lord for constantly being faithful! Sorry if this blog is a "Brag about Josiah Blog" but I just think it is important to be grateful for break-throughs in life...to be thankful for a time when disciplining/training pays off!! If you are a parent, I know you know what I am talking about!!!! I would listen or read your brag stories anytime...we have to rejoice with each other when our children learn important lessons in life!!!
I feel like Josiah is at such a fun age! I am having so much fun with him playing, teaching, training and just talking with him. I think it is so cool that I can have a full out conversation with him and he totally understands what I am saying. I love the things that he says that only Josh and I would understand what he means...for example, since moving here we have to check the weather before we get dressed because you never know if it is going to be cool or hot out. So, when he asks about his clothing for the day he always asks "can I wear a sleeve shirt that doesn't pull down? or do I have to wear a sleeve shirt that pulls down?" Which translated means: "can I wear a short sleeve shirt or do I have to wear a long sleeved shirt?" He has other cute things that he says, but I won't fill the blog with those...at least not this blog. Maybe I can make one just for those.
Josh and I feel so blessed with Josiah. We are SO thankful to the Lord for allowing us the opportunity to be his parents. He has done incredible with this move and that makes me so happy!! As a military family, and this being Josiah's first move that he realizes, I was kind of nervous about how he would adjust. So many things have changed in his life. We went from a place where we had lots of friends and we had a routine of things we did each week to make sure we made time to establish lasting relationships with those people, we had a home with lots of room, a yard and a neighborhood where we knew all of our neighbors and Josh had his normal job routine with similar times each day that he would leave and come home. At three years old, he has adjusted so well to the big change. We are slowly meeting people and hopefully he will start to get some lasting relationships with friends here (I can sometimes be completely content with being at home all day doing our thing, but I realize how important it is to establish healthy friendships for both of us so we are getting out and about), we are totally content with the smaller living space we have and I actually enjoy the fact that it takes me no time to clean it and we are all adjusting to Josh's new school schedule and making it all work out! But, anyway, back to our "Blessing" (AKA...Josiah). We are just so proud of him and the flexibility he has had throughout the move. (I would maybe consider myself to be a "not so flexible person"...I like my little routine), but it totally helps that he is older and able to be off schedule here and there without it messing up our entire day.
Over the last several months Josh and I have noticed so much of how much his heart is being molded into a sweet and caring child. Of course, he is a child and there are times where discipline is needed, but we are just in awe of how much he has learned over the last year. (The day he turned three I wasn't so sure...LOL...that was a rough week/month or so of behavior issues - and there have been times here and there - sometimes longer than others that we have really had to discipline more than others.) As a parent that is hard, but we are totally seeing how the Lord is faithful and rewarding us with our commitment to raising our child in His way!!! We have witnessed his kind heart when being around others, asking if children are ok, sharing without being told or asked to and we can just see him thinking things out before he does something. He has also started asking a lot more questions about Jesus and the other day I had the news on and they were interviewing a Priest at a Catholic church about something and Josiah saw the cross with Jesus on it in the background. He immediately said "Mommy, that makes me sad to see Jesus on the cross. I wish he wasn't there." (I explained to him that Jesus isn't there anymore and the reason why he was there in the first place). It melted my heart to hear him say that and recognize the fact that it is sad to see Jesus on the cross!!! At the picnic we went to tonight neither one of us asked him to go up to this little boy who was playing alone, but he did and he handed the boy the bat and asked him if he wanted to play. When we got in the car to come home we told him how proud we were of him for his loving heart and good attitude and we asked him "do you know who else is SO proud of you?" His quick response was "JESUS...Jesus is proud of me."
I am so grateful for that little boy...and I am beyond grateful to the Lord for constantly being faithful! Sorry if this blog is a "Brag about Josiah Blog" but I just think it is important to be grateful for break-throughs in life...to be thankful for a time when disciplining/training pays off!! If you are a parent, I know you know what I am talking about!!!! I would listen or read your brag stories anytime...we have to rejoice with each other when our children learn important lessons in life!!!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Life in NY
We are adjusting to our new place in NY, but we all definitely miss TN!! I would have to say that TN is probably at the top of my list of favorite places we have lived. We loved Alaska, too, but for some reason I really connected with TN (by the way, still claim SC as my home though). I think maybe I enjoyed TN so much more than other places because we lived there for the longest, bought a house there (that we have rented out now and they better be taking care of it), Josh was physically there with us the longest (deployed for 12 months and gone just a few random months - nothing compared to his time gone in AK) and we have SO many sweet memories of Josiah there. I really struggled leaving TN...I cried my eyes out when we pulled out of our driveway for the last time and left that amazing town! We have so many friends still there and hope to get back there someday...if not to live, we will surely visit. I also got to be reunited with one of my closets friends, Pam, when they got stationed there a year after us. That was a blast having our kids together for 2 years and to watch them develop great relationships. I will always cherish TN for so many reasons.
We have been in NY for about 7 or 8 weeks (not really sure) and we are getting into a routine now. I feel like getting settled here has taken us longer than any other place we have lived. It could be because we have never moved with a 3 year old before! Ha ha...he has done great, but you can't just tell a 3 year old to go play by himself everyday while you unpack! It also could be from going down 800 sq. feet and trying to organize a smaller place to live in. Regardless of the reason, we are getting there. Just a few more things on the walls and organize the guest room before my parents visit in July. It shouldn't take long.
I have to say that I did not like it here when we first arrived. The weather was terrible (after leaving a warm and sunny TN) and I was probably a little hormonal and tired from being pregnant at the time. It was a hard adjustment for me and less than two weeks after we arrived we found out I was not carrying a healthy baby again. But I am happy to say that things are much better! The weather is beautiful now and we have gotten out to explore the area. We bought a family pass to the zoo and have gone there twice (the pass has already paid for itself - it was cheap). It is so fun to see Josiah get excited about the animals and he is so smart!! We want to encourage his learning and the zoo is different each time you go. The animals are doing different things and he loves it! It will be fun for us to go as a family or, like today, go while Josh is at school. We've also gone to the local library a few times...although, I have to say it is nothing in comparison to the Clarksville Library for sure!! He still enjoys checking out new books and playing the computer games there.
Apartment living has been totally fine. We were both apprehensive at first after living in a home with a yard and our own space for so long. I am actually shocked at how many families with multiple children live in apartments!!! We were told that the taxes on homes here is so high that people just can't afford it (which is why we couldn't find a rental home in our price range). Our neighbors are all great (never loud or annoying) and taking the dogs out each time and walking them hasn't been bad at all!! We share the responsibility and it helps that Josiah loves to walk Sequoia (even after she pulled him down). Our new routine, since Josh started school, is that after dinner we do a family walk. Each time we walk around the apartments is about a mile and we do it at least 3 times a day. We have a lot of parks, all within walking distance and soon we will be able to enjoy the pools as well! I hope to teach Josiah how to swim this summer. We will see. I am still praying that once Josh's school load gets heavier he will be able to study ok in our place! If anything, Josiah and I will just have to go out and let Josh study, or if he is studying after his bedtime, I will read or finish the scrap books I have been needing to complete. (or maybe I will blog more :)
So, we are getting used to it here and enjoying the family time we have been able to have most!!!! Tomorrow we get to go to a picnic (at our favorite place...Onondaga Lake) with Josh's Grad School program people. We hope to meet some other families and get to know some new people (as well as see the few people we know from Ft. Campbell). Thank you to those of you who have prayed for us during our move and the during the time of our loss! We are hoping for some answers in that area, but still completely trusting the Lord with it all and we have faith in Him that His will is perfect.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day...Bitter Sweet
Mother's Day...a day where we honor our Mother's for their hard work and dedication to us and I am very grateful for the mother that the Lord blessed me with. She has always been supportive, encouraging, loving and strong and I hope to be half as good of a mother as her!!! Mother's Day is also a day where, when you become a mother you reflect on your time being a mother and you think about all of the memories you have with your child or children. You think about the things that have made you grow stronger and wiser and for me, I thank the Lord for each one of those times.
For us, this Mother's Day was going to be something a little more special!! It was going to be the day that we told our family and friends that we would be welcoming a baby to our family in December! We were so excited at the possibility of having another baby and grateful to the Lord to allow us to have another child! Being a parent is one of the best gifts we have ever been given and we would love more than anything to be able to do it all over again and to bless Josiah with the little brother or sister he has been asking for! Josh and I found out the week we were getting ready to pack up for our move to NY that we were pregnant! As most of you know we have been trying for a while now and got pregnant twice in 2011, but unfortunately the babies did not make it. We were so excited to see the positive test and immediately called my doctor for some blood work in order to be monitored closely. We allowed ourselves to get a little more excited when the doctor told us the blood work looked very promising...better than the last two pregnancies (and I have been on medication this time to help my levels)!
We continued with our moving plans to NY and I took it easier than usual. Once arriving and getting an address, we quickly started working on getting established with a doctor here in order to be referred to a OBGYN in our area. Our appointment was set for May 4th (3 days after my birthday and 9 days before Mother's Day). What a great gift hearing our baby's 8 week old heartbeat for the first time. Needless to say we were both nervous and excited for our appointment. Josh stayed with Josiah in the waiting room until it was time for the ultrasound. Once the doctor was ready we had them come in a join us. Almost immediately I saw what the doctor saw...when you have been in this position two times before you kind of know what you are looking for. What we were praying and hoping for was not there. The doctor was very nice and just said "How do I even begin to tell you what is going on here with all that you have been through already?" I then said, you don't have to....I see what I see. He sent us over to a better machine where the ultrasound tech confirmed what we already knew. Another pregnancy was going to become a loss. Heartbreak...no other word for it. Not only that, but we had just moved to a place where no one knew us, the doctors didn't even have my medical records yet to know what we have done in the past and we were hours away from any family. Sadly, after talking with the doctor and nurse I was scheduled for surgery for Thursday, May 10th. We were both shocked to say the least....there were no signs showing there to be anything wrong! I had even begun to have symptoms of being pregnant...which sounds weird to say I was excited to be nauseated, but I was. For a third time in 13 months we were loosing another baby without knowing the reason why.
We had some planning to do for surgery day and luckily the hospital was nice enough to schedule it a little later rather than me having to be there at 6:15am and it took 30 minutes to get there. I wanted to make the day as normal as possible for Josiah so he didn't really know what was going on. Since we don't know anyone here yet and don't have any family here, I felt more comfortable knowing that Josh had Josiah and I knew I would be ok if Josiah and Josh were taken care of. They took me in and made sure they knew where I was and the doctor had his number to call when I was done and then the nurse would call when I could go home. Not that I want to ever go through something like this again, I will say that the Lord had the entire day in His control...of course. I was blessed with an amazing nurse named Barbara who I will always remember! She definitely took care of me and I never felt alone. I was able to text with Josh letting him know what was going on until I was taken up for the surgery. I felt at peace knowing Josiah was with Josh and they were having fun together. I never wanted Josiah to know what was going on and I think we were successful in that plan. My nurse was scheduled to get off at 2:00 and it was after 2:00 when I got to a room after surgery. She was sweet enough to wait on me and came in to talk to me for a little while. We had a great conversation and I know for a fact that the Lord had her as my nurse for that day!!!! I am grateful for that "divine appointment."
So here we are on Mother's Day...our little boy taking his afternoon nap and I am sitting next to the man of my dreams...my rock here on earth. Physically I feel totally fine...emotionally I am working on it. I know the Lord never gives us more than we can handle and I know His plan and will is perfect...even if we never understand why certain things happen! Each miscarriage seems a little harder to swallow, but I know in my heart the Lord is preparing us for something and if I can be there as a support for someone else who goes through this I will!!!!
I will say that I am forever grateful for the child we do have!! He truly is a blessing!!!! He lights up our life everyday...full of energy and love! This morning he came running into our room and said "Mother's Happy Day, Mommy!!!" How cute...and then when he gave me a card from him, he said "I drew a snake on it, Mommy!!" Such a boy! I will cherish every single moment with him and never take it for granted...and I will also always remember the three other children who are in Heaven now...and if they are anything like Josiah I am sure they are keeping God entertained! As sad as the past week has been, I am happy knowing that I am blessed with Josh and Josiah and wouldn't ask for my life to be any other way!! Josh truly knows how to be a man of God...a man who shows his wife Christ's love each day! He has been such an encouragement to me in so many ways...although we don't have any answers as to why this is happening, we still have each other and our precious son, Josiah!
Today I will be giving Josiah extra hugs and I love you's!
This picture was taken at the Putt Putt place tonight. It was Josiah's choice to take me to play putt putt...he has been asking us for weeks to go!!! We had a blast!
For us, this Mother's Day was going to be something a little more special!! It was going to be the day that we told our family and friends that we would be welcoming a baby to our family in December! We were so excited at the possibility of having another baby and grateful to the Lord to allow us to have another child! Being a parent is one of the best gifts we have ever been given and we would love more than anything to be able to do it all over again and to bless Josiah with the little brother or sister he has been asking for! Josh and I found out the week we were getting ready to pack up for our move to NY that we were pregnant! As most of you know we have been trying for a while now and got pregnant twice in 2011, but unfortunately the babies did not make it. We were so excited to see the positive test and immediately called my doctor for some blood work in order to be monitored closely. We allowed ourselves to get a little more excited when the doctor told us the blood work looked very promising...better than the last two pregnancies (and I have been on medication this time to help my levels)!
We continued with our moving plans to NY and I took it easier than usual. Once arriving and getting an address, we quickly started working on getting established with a doctor here in order to be referred to a OBGYN in our area. Our appointment was set for May 4th (3 days after my birthday and 9 days before Mother's Day). What a great gift hearing our baby's 8 week old heartbeat for the first time. Needless to say we were both nervous and excited for our appointment. Josh stayed with Josiah in the waiting room until it was time for the ultrasound. Once the doctor was ready we had them come in a join us. Almost immediately I saw what the doctor saw...when you have been in this position two times before you kind of know what you are looking for. What we were praying and hoping for was not there. The doctor was very nice and just said "How do I even begin to tell you what is going on here with all that you have been through already?" I then said, you don't have to....I see what I see. He sent us over to a better machine where the ultrasound tech confirmed what we already knew. Another pregnancy was going to become a loss. Heartbreak...no other word for it. Not only that, but we had just moved to a place where no one knew us, the doctors didn't even have my medical records yet to know what we have done in the past and we were hours away from any family. Sadly, after talking with the doctor and nurse I was scheduled for surgery for Thursday, May 10th. We were both shocked to say the least....there were no signs showing there to be anything wrong! I had even begun to have symptoms of being pregnant...which sounds weird to say I was excited to be nauseated, but I was. For a third time in 13 months we were loosing another baby without knowing the reason why.
We had some planning to do for surgery day and luckily the hospital was nice enough to schedule it a little later rather than me having to be there at 6:15am and it took 30 minutes to get there. I wanted to make the day as normal as possible for Josiah so he didn't really know what was going on. Since we don't know anyone here yet and don't have any family here, I felt more comfortable knowing that Josh had Josiah and I knew I would be ok if Josiah and Josh were taken care of. They took me in and made sure they knew where I was and the doctor had his number to call when I was done and then the nurse would call when I could go home. Not that I want to ever go through something like this again, I will say that the Lord had the entire day in His control...of course. I was blessed with an amazing nurse named Barbara who I will always remember! She definitely took care of me and I never felt alone. I was able to text with Josh letting him know what was going on until I was taken up for the surgery. I felt at peace knowing Josiah was with Josh and they were having fun together. I never wanted Josiah to know what was going on and I think we were successful in that plan. My nurse was scheduled to get off at 2:00 and it was after 2:00 when I got to a room after surgery. She was sweet enough to wait on me and came in to talk to me for a little while. We had a great conversation and I know for a fact that the Lord had her as my nurse for that day!!!! I am grateful for that "divine appointment."
So here we are on Mother's Day...our little boy taking his afternoon nap and I am sitting next to the man of my dreams...my rock here on earth. Physically I feel totally fine...emotionally I am working on it. I know the Lord never gives us more than we can handle and I know His plan and will is perfect...even if we never understand why certain things happen! Each miscarriage seems a little harder to swallow, but I know in my heart the Lord is preparing us for something and if I can be there as a support for someone else who goes through this I will!!!!
I will say that I am forever grateful for the child we do have!! He truly is a blessing!!!! He lights up our life everyday...full of energy and love! This morning he came running into our room and said "Mother's Happy Day, Mommy!!!" How cute...and then when he gave me a card from him, he said "I drew a snake on it, Mommy!!" Such a boy! I will cherish every single moment with him and never take it for granted...and I will also always remember the three other children who are in Heaven now...and if they are anything like Josiah I am sure they are keeping God entertained! As sad as the past week has been, I am happy knowing that I am blessed with Josh and Josiah and wouldn't ask for my life to be any other way!! Josh truly knows how to be a man of God...a man who shows his wife Christ's love each day! He has been such an encouragement to me in so many ways...although we don't have any answers as to why this is happening, we still have each other and our precious son, Josiah!
Today I will be giving Josiah extra hugs and I love you's!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)